Update…

So…  it’s not going so well on the e-dating front.  In fact, the only date I’ve been on in the 3 months and $260 from eHarmony isn’t allowed to eat solid foods FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.  He also doubles over in full, air-starved guffaw at the slightest quip while slapping both knees simultaneously.  I am totally serious.  FML.  I spent the hike trying not to say ANYTHING funny, which proved to be an interesting task.  Plus I got a scar from his trailblazing idea through Griffith Park as I impaled myself on a lethal tree branch, following him down some cliff, but I learned my lesson hiking on a first date for multiple reasons, so spare me the lecture.

Anyway, I’m accruing more photos than I could ever possibly post, but mostly from Tinder now because eHarmony has given up sending me anyone remotely viable with photos.

On Tinder, I am a generous left-swiper (which means I shut down the vast majority of men), but at least I can go at my pace.  Luckily, the majority of right swipes have been relatively normal (until I open up the floodgates of dating hell, accidentally bringing solid trail snacks to the first date I’m sure), though most men are more gatherer than hunter and just want to chat instead of meet ever.  I did go on a date with a sweet, short Asian Star Wars nerd, but he invited me to meet at a shitty Hollywood dive bar at 3pm, ordered water, and tried to make out with me before walking to his car that I happened to notice had Arizona license plates, though he’s lived here for YEARS.  *shrugs*

Anyway, I did discover a funny website called TinderLines.com full of horndog losers and their opening lines.  I was glad to be forewarned so I could promptly thwart this near-miss:

Yes, I submitted it. 

Anyway, I’m off to share a burger with a cute army veteran.  I’m going armed, just in case.  Wish me luck?!?!?!

And now for something completely… the same.

Shit.  Not to throw our worthless eHarmony party into a tailspin, but I think you’ll come to love the new addition to this blog.

See, 2 days ago I was suckered into joining another single’s meeting site — Tinder.  Some of you are rolling your eyes already, but let me quickly catch the other folks up to speed to my 48 hour training.  The rest can scroll down to the unreasonable images.

Tinder is an app for your phone using very easy concept.  It shows you a photo of a guy and if you like him, you swipe the photo right, if you pass, you swipe left (we’ll become very familiar with that left swipe, trust me) and it shows you the next guy to decide on. 

Now some people can write a short blurb or have up to 6 photos (viewable at the “i” button), but that’s it.  There’s no matching on the 29 dimensions bullshit eHarmony boasts, but it’s free and simple, and only shows their name, age, and how far they live from your city.  Oh, you can screw down how far you’re willing to date.  Mine is set to 50 miles, since eHarmony has already shown me no normal human male lives within the borders of Los Angeles.

Now, if you “liked” or hearted the guy and he did the same to you before you saw his profile, it tells you you’re now matched and you can send texts to each other through the app or not.  If he sees your picture 2 days after you hearted him, and he hearts you, it still matches you guys and sends you a notification.  You don’t know looking at the picture if they have looked at you yet or hearted you unless you heart them and they already hearted you or heart you later.  Each “match” only gets on chance and you can’t skip and come back.  Got it?

As this fine specimen writes, when you see any other photos or their text, you then have to use the buttons on the top.

You can’t chat with the person unless both hearted, so I hear guys heart everyone just in case and apparently there’s an issue with prostitution profiles, but since I’m not a prostitute (yet) maybe I’ll be the cream of the crop.  Ok, maybe I could’ve picked a better phrase, but let’s move on and get to the Tinder guys!

I’d love to say it’s an oasis of mentally stable, articulate men that don’t test your gag relflex upon first glance, but then… my ridiculous love life wouldn’t be so entertainingly crappy for all of you.

Clearly, these guys using a 1 photo hookup site are willing to put in some effort, right?

OK, maybe not, but they are probably better dressed?

Well, at least they’re clothed?

I really do apologize about that last one. 

At least they aren’t showing off their exes or prostitutes.

Wrong again.  Well, maybe the Tinder guys are more sober?

This next guy has 6 photos of only drinking and jumping off shit, which I believe contributed to his hand job in the third photo.

OK, so all that booze must put them in a better mood.

It’s like Tinder “goes up to 11.”

But it wouldn’t be a fair assessment of the hookup site if I didn’t show you a couple of the promising hot hookups (no strings attached sex seekers) waiting for you on Tinder:

Yes, let’s.  Not.  So, what does this promising Beverly Hills housesitting stallion look like?

Now before you get your hopes too high that your new scandelous adventure is one of those young, soap-opera worthy hotties, here’s the only photo this horndog posted that isn’t a group shot with his hot-friend bait:

Yikes.  I already passed just on the text alone, but hopefully the rest of you are now with me.  If I was going to give it up to a total stranger, he better look like a movie star and not a creature feature.

He’s not the only troll trying to get under your bridge.

Benefits can be good.  I like a good, solid eye care plan that covers transition lenses myself, but let’s see what he thinks he has to offer:

Seriously?!  Do women see that photo and take the bait?!  Personally, I shuddered that he is only 28 miles from my home and looking to bone anyone he comes across.  I may never leave the house again.

So… that’s Tinder in a nutshell.  For future posts, you will now see a mix of eHarmony and Tinder photos.  I am accruing more photos than I am posting, but luckily for you, my dating life doesn’t seem to be getting in the way, so sit back and enjoy my failures…

Booze Hounds

In honor of my friend getting obliterated drunk and making a complete ass of herself at a sweet and intimate wedding last night, I thought it was time to share the next category — drunkards.

I’m no puritan.  I’ve thrown up with the best of them…  It’s just that when putting yourself out there for mate selection, you’d think it would be common sense to perhaps minimize just what a sloppy mess you are. 

For the record, bellowing out, “She doesn’t even love him!” at a wedding with your entire breast hanging out of your dress may take the white chocolate raspberry wedding cake, but here’s the male equivalent:

Whoever this guy is, he sure knows how to make a room spin, but he’s not the only match that has never taken a sober photo:

That’s commitment to the craft of liver damage.

Just as in drinks, there are many and varied shades of drinkers.  Some like to forego photos of themselves and just post booze shots:

The fruit arrangement alone could spark hours of speculation.

Some like you to see them in the act of drinking:

That was his only photo.  I see the alcohol more than him!  Then there’s this guy:

And some like you to see them at their drunken sloppiest:

He should’ve been my friend’s date to the wedding last night.  They both appear sloshed in formal-wear with full nipple exposure.

I only include this guy because in his very brief profile, he mentioned wine 5x.

And I can smell the alcohol just looking at this guy:

This topic wouldn’t be complete without giving potheads a brief honorable mention:

Oh, there will be more, but for now… there is your tasting.  Discard any unwanted men into the brass bucket and take a stroll through the gift shop while waiting for your party bus to pick you up.

What NOT to wear.

When a grown man shares a photo of himself in a costume on his dating profile, he wants his matches to know what they’re potentially getting themselves into. 

If it was some unreasonable hottie showing off his muscular thighs in his Halloween gladiator mini-skirt, I’d be busy asking him out instead of blogging my lament to strangers, but as you’ll see here, larpers, furries, pimps, pirates and juggalos need love too.

I don’t usually start with my favorite photo, but here it is:

The dog peeing on the tree is my favorite part, though I also appreciate that his “300” ensemble comes in “300 Beers” size too.

This was his only photo, so you’ll just have to imagine that the rest of him is as sexy as Bootsy Collins too.

I thought Shaggy from Scooby Doo preferred pot to acid.

This was also his only photo.  No, I will not follow him down into the hole.

At least he has an explanation.

It appears this Juggalo already has a child bride.

I’m not even sure which one I was matched with.

I think this one is “Fred Flintstone meets candy raver.”

Speaking of candy ravers, I can smell the Vick’s from here.

This one is more KaPow!-worthy and less Bang!-worthy.

Behold, the Madrigal Man.

This one is “Andrew Eldritch meets the Crypt Keeper.”

Again, I’m not sure which one is my potential matey.

But wait, there’s more to this furry than just his casual barhopping ears:

Me, “Ow.”

I personally feel that dressing like a human sex trafficker is a poor choice when enticing a mate, but maybe eHarmony is shifting it’s focus to become more of a LinkedIn for aspiring prostitutes.

My only question requires you to look closely — is the female photographer wearing only a bath towel?

It’s no “Black Pearl” but the “Lazy Day” has had it’s share of swashbucking just the same.

I think he starred in the Twilight Zone episode where he wished people away to the corn fields.

Dang!  I have a bunch more to put up, but my phone and WordPress are at odds this morning.  I’ll have to post them another time.  In the meantime, feel free to post your quips, comments, and condolences.

Who needs clothes?

These guys want you to get to know them as soon as possible.  In fact, they are tearing their clothes off so you’ll notice them.

Now, I understand there is acceptable nudity — like photos on the beach in his swimwear, where being shirtless is incidental to the overall image:

But what I want to showcase here are the guys that are shirtless for no other reason than to show potential matches “the goods.”

I just don’t get it.  Clearly it looks as if someone said, “Kevin, dude…  You gotta take your shirt off for your profile pic.  Chicks love that shit.  Glasses too, dude.  C’mon, you don’t want them to think you’re a pussy.  Here, stand next to my dune buggy…   Perfect.  You totally owe me, bro.”

In this one, he looks hungover and his underwear needs replacing.  Not a good look.

Now that is just plain awkward.  Kevin’s “bro” needs to leave these poor men alone.

Nevermind how they matched me with a freaking teenager…!?!?  His pathetic, flexing bathroom selfie is the point I’m trying to make here.

Look closer.

Too close!  Now those are the kind of nasty hobbit feet that were made for work boots.  Don’t show the ladies those.

While we’re on the subject of bathroom selfies…

You can nearly hear him think, “Suck that in, flex that, showcase my new tattoo, hold steady, perfect.”

Well, he tried to crop his phone out, but he just couldn’t sacrifice the pecs.

Yes, this is the same guy, so at least the mystery is solved as to which phone model he has.  I think the turning-away, black-and-white look tries to say, “I’m so shy and humble.” only… you have posted twice the nudes as the other guys, so it just says, “Damn, I think I’m hot.”

This vacant scowl is never a good look, nevermind the dropping man-boobs.

What’s with showing off the crappy tattoos plopped any ol’ place?  BTW, that right bicep tattoo appears to be the Porno for Pyros devil logo which only means something to the 14 people that liked that failed Jane’s Addiction offshoot in the 90’s and me, who clearly just won the Daily Double on Jeopardy.

This has a lot to offer — Unnecesary nudity and scowling, his 80’s Brooke Shield’s hair, and his email since he’s let his membership lapse and doesn’t care who contacts him.  But it gets worse:

Now THAT’S unnecessary nudity…

Check out your competition

I call this category, “I still see her.”

These guys generally look happy, and they should because it appears they are sharing a badly cropped photo of them and their ex-girlfriend. 

I believe the cropping could be discussed by Freud, but essentially, these guys want you to see her.  Maybe they want you to see that someone else has already vetted them as date-worthy.  Maybe they are only truly happy when in the company of a woman, be it a serious relationship or a bachelor party prostitute.

Since they are now on eHarmony, I’m going to guess these relationships didn’t work out, but that doesn’t stop them from showing you their type, where they go for dates/honeymoons, and their “happy relationship” face.

I am only assuming the long blonde hair and breast identifies that as an amazon woman.

Yes, that is a trashy woman’s purse in his motel room.

Three different chicks and three different plaid shirts.

Join my harem!

Has he EVER taken a photo without his “special lady friend?”

He listed himself as a “Computer Tech” but since he can’t even scan and crop a photo, you should avoid him because he’ll be unemployed any day now.

In your dreams, dude.

This one makes him look 4’6″.

Crime statistic – Prostitutes make easy victims for serial killers.

Is that a human chest or an insect thorax?  That poor remaining button…

That appears to be the same couple twice.  Please note her scratched-out face if you want to know if it ended well.

Apparently, after Boyfriend 1 threw acid in her face, she started dating this guy.

Forget the girlfriend.  I’m going to have to pass on this guy for the shirt alone.

This photo screams “honeymoon.”

That one looks a little awkward.  I suspect this was their first (failed) date.

Undercover lover.

Those aren’t his nails!

Anyway, it’s not difficult to take a photo without your former conquests, but… until then, I’m going to decline until you’ve unpacked your baggage from you last adventure.

You’ll see more evidence later that supports my theory that these men make profiles to impress other men, not attract a devoted woman.

Don’t hold your breath.

I try to ignore the fact that I am paying an handsome sum to be matched with eHarmony’s (cess)pool of sub-standard eligible bachelors, but I find it particularly annoying to be matched day after day with profiles that are no longer using the site. 

See, eHarmony tracks when you last logged on to try to entice you and get your hopes up that one of these dudes just may culminate in a burger or a honeymoon.  This is when it backfires – when you see that every freaking match hasn’t even looked for a date in over a month (their furthest setting, so God knows how many years they have really been gone).  I can only suspect they are getting the female equivalent of my matches and took a bullet to relieve the torture, but I digress.

I could blow your computer up with all of them but you get the picture.

So WHY match me with ghosts?  I figure they are hoping you ignore that their corpse has already turned to dust and send them a smile or a message.  Then they get the email letting them know, which causes them to return (and renew their payment for the ability to see your photos or send you a reply).  Ridiculous — and a waste of MY paid daily matches!

For a good time, don’t call…

Dating should be about having fun.  With that in mind, you may not want to post your sour “serial killer” faces, but then perhaps this is why these guys are still on the market.  Anyway, I thought one of the first stops through documenting online dating had to include these scowling, brooding, negative photos that look more like hostage “proof of life” photos than “let me show you a good time” photos.

FYI, that is his AT&T inbox, but he still has a significant amount of battery left for 2:29 pm!

Yup, that’s the same Negative Nelly twice.

Another double negative.

Four in a row!  Now that’s commited.  Speaking of which, I believe the last one could be taken inside a “live-in mental health care facility.”  Well, at least he’s embracing his self-help.

Why yes, I did notice he had to dig all the way back to 2012 for a photo this flattering.

What this last one lacks in scowling, it makes up for in its “Serial rapist finally caught, film at 11.”

I don’t particularly want to be thrown into a basement well and forced to put lotion on my skin “or else it gets the hose again,” so I’m going to pass on these possibilities, thanks.

This is why I’m single.

Honestly, I’m not picky.  I have dating stories that horrify even my male friends that wonder why I’ve never simply walked out on some of these dates (like the guy who tried to use a story about Hitler to touch my boobs).  I chalk it up to honing a high tolerance to idiocy.  I am not looking for perfection, but I’m not going to settle for the bizarre, toxic or sleezy either.

Finding someone in the produce aisle or saddled up at the bar was proving entirely fruitless, so back to the internet I went in hopes of finding a viable date in this giant city, Los Angeles.

I’ll get to specific dates and gripes, but lets just dive in to photos of some of the men I am paying good money to be matched with.  Please bear in mind that the photos and words I share with you from these men’s profiles are their attempt to lure interest from women. 

And for some housekeeping… I realize people are quirky, make mistakes, have bad angles, aren’t looking for a serious relationship or wife, can’t easily convey their sense of humor, etc., etc.  Despite my dramatic blog name, I log in every day, not to prove there is nobody out there that is dateable, but to try to find the one(s) that could be.

Also, I’m primarily a phone user, so spell check is not an option.  Feel free to comment here to advise me of errors, ideas, your own experiences, or just chat with my mom and friends who will be stopping by when they need to feel a little better about their romances.

Single and ready to… EGADS!

Let me preface this blog by stating the following.  I am datable.  I’m young, have a great career, have all my parts in working order, and should have a reasonable possibility to attract a worthy guy in Los Angeles.  Also, I have been told by married and gay men I have the trifecta — I’m cute, smart and funny, without being high-maintenance or full of myself.  So how could I possibly go wrong?!

I admit I was in the wrong environment for years, working jobs and going places with people that were not conducive to meeting a straight single guy.  That’s when I turned to the internet.  I’ve shelled out money for all the major sites to try to meet someone that wasn’t waiting for me on the produce aisle.  I uploaded all recent photos, was honest with who I am and what I wanted, and got a flood of responses that ultimately when nowhere fast.  I’ve given it my best shot, but even my best aim at shooting fish in a barrel only yields a dead fish with a hole in it.

That’s when I started sharing my frustration with my single girlfriends through email.  Generally, a screenshot was enough to get the point across — the men on the internet are NOT datable.  I can go through each profile and tell you why that person is still on the market.  In fact, after one of my guy friends gave me his password to his Plenty of Fish to remove all of his red flags, his condom budget tripled.  Really, I should charge for this kind of wisdom and fix everyone’s profile, but like my girlfriends, I kind of appreciate the raw profiles with all of their red flags waving unashamedly.  If I can’t find a normal boyfriend on the internet, I’m going to at least entertain my friends with my daily failures (I mean matches).

So… along with a gaggle of visual horrors, I hope to share some dates from hell and an outlet for all of the frustrated singles.  Maybe I’ll even get a guy or two to burn his red flags or write me back, in English, with a proposal for a proper date that doesn’t end in him pulling his pants down in a parking lot as I drive away.

Molly