Booze Hounds

In honor of my friend getting obliterated drunk and making a complete ass of herself at a sweet and intimate wedding last night, I thought it was time to share the next category — drunkards.

I’m no puritan.  I’ve thrown up with the best of them…  It’s just that when putting yourself out there for mate selection, you’d think it would be common sense to perhaps minimize just what a sloppy mess you are. 

For the record, bellowing out, “She doesn’t even love him!” at a wedding with your entire breast hanging out of your dress may take the white chocolate raspberry wedding cake, but here’s the male equivalent:

Whoever this guy is, he sure knows how to make a room spin, but he’s not the only match that has never taken a sober photo:

That’s commitment to the craft of liver damage.

Just as in drinks, there are many and varied shades of drinkers.  Some like to forego photos of themselves and just post booze shots:

The fruit arrangement alone could spark hours of speculation.

Some like you to see them in the act of drinking:

That was his only photo.  I see the alcohol more than him!  Then there’s this guy:

And some like you to see them at their drunken sloppiest:

He should’ve been my friend’s date to the wedding last night.  They both appear sloshed in formal-wear with full nipple exposure.

I only include this guy because in his very brief profile, he mentioned wine 5x.

And I can smell the alcohol just looking at this guy:

This topic wouldn’t be complete without giving potheads a brief honorable mention:

Oh, there will be more, but for now… there is your tasting.  Discard any unwanted men into the brass bucket and take a stroll through the gift shop while waiting for your party bus to pick you up.

What NOT to wear.

When a grown man shares a photo of himself in a costume on his dating profile, he wants his matches to know what they’re potentially getting themselves into. 

If it was some unreasonable hottie showing off his muscular thighs in his Halloween gladiator mini-skirt, I’d be busy asking him out instead of blogging my lament to strangers, but as you’ll see here, larpers, furries, pimps, pirates and juggalos need love too.

I don’t usually start with my favorite photo, but here it is:

The dog peeing on the tree is my favorite part, though I also appreciate that his “300” ensemble comes in “300 Beers” size too.

This was his only photo, so you’ll just have to imagine that the rest of him is as sexy as Bootsy Collins too.

I thought Shaggy from Scooby Doo preferred pot to acid.

This was also his only photo.  No, I will not follow him down into the hole.

At least he has an explanation.

It appears this Juggalo already has a child bride.

I’m not even sure which one I was matched with.

I think this one is “Fred Flintstone meets candy raver.”

Speaking of candy ravers, I can smell the Vick’s from here.

This one is more KaPow!-worthy and less Bang!-worthy.

Behold, the Madrigal Man.

This one is “Andrew Eldritch meets the Crypt Keeper.”

Again, I’m not sure which one is my potential matey.

But wait, there’s more to this furry than just his casual barhopping ears:

Me, “Ow.”

I personally feel that dressing like a human sex trafficker is a poor choice when enticing a mate, but maybe eHarmony is shifting it’s focus to become more of a LinkedIn for aspiring prostitutes.

My only question requires you to look closely — is the female photographer wearing only a bath towel?

It’s no “Black Pearl” but the “Lazy Day” has had it’s share of swashbucking just the same.

I think he starred in the Twilight Zone episode where he wished people away to the corn fields.

Dang!  I have a bunch more to put up, but my phone and WordPress are at odds this morning.  I’ll have to post them another time.  In the meantime, feel free to post your quips, comments, and condolences.